Self-help Ramble

Thoughts. Hmmm, thinking, and sigh…sighing. I can’t think really, and every time I do let a thought pass through my brain long enough to think about what it’s actually saying, it’s negative, or some kind of complaint-sounding. I’m not sure what has happened to me, or rather what happened to me. The old me, carefree, fun-loving, optimistic, spirit I used to be. I think I got one of those things called reality checks. And while I very much still fight for idealism, and believe my ideals to be possible, I guess I am being more receptive to how responsibility brings balance. At least for me. For about a year now, or more who knows, the advice I receive that keeps topping the list is –to pick something, and GO FOR IT! Focus on one thing in other words and get that accomplished, and then there is a platform to work from for the other stuff. And I have a lot of other stuff I want to do, I mean the list just never ends. But what have I even done thus far?? I have had some amazing adventures and have truly loved the free-floating lifestyle of seeing much, not committing to much, new people and sights everyday, but honestly not accomplishing very much. That is the clincher. Why is that though? Who says we need to accomplish things anyway, and make a name for ourselves, and Succeed! And Achieve!! Blegh. Kill me, I want to say, but that’s only because deep down I do want to succeed, I just want it to be on my own terms. And I am very afraid of success I think. I can’t quite work this one out but I’m pretty sure it has to do with commitment and lack there of, lack of tenacity, and getting bored very quickly. What does fear have to do with it? Because we all want to make excuses to be mediocre and the fact that we aren’t great is because something is standing in our way. As soon as you take that thing down (WAZAAM!), however, then there is nothing left to hide behind and all of a sudden we are solely responsible for why our lives are the way they are…fulfilling, or empty. I am one of those who does not enjoy hard work especially if it is for an inane reason and for someone I don’t care for and I am not being appreciated. I should really work for myself. But hoops and steps my friend, hoops and steps. If you are like me, life reminds us that getting to a really big and necessary goal is ambitious and worthy of our energy, but honestly it takes time and a team, and learning from mistakes. Before any of this actually, we have to start from the beginning and acknowledge within ourselves why we are not where we want to be and what we need to be doing to get there. I have to admit to myself that I don’t like to work hard, I can be flaky, I have never had a job I’ve truly enjoyed or cared about, I would like to live off the grid, but I also want to be a member of capitalistic society because I do reap the benefits, so all of those require contribution. If I want to be wealthy and drive a car, and socialize in businesses and corporations, and all of those things, I have to-to a certain extent- play by the rules. Life is a game, and I have to keep telling myself this time and time again, because I forget sometimes. When I have less than a hundred dollars in my account, no sign of income, and zero sign of my bills and biological needs going away, it is very hard to remember that life is a game that can be fun if you know how to play it and not take it so seriously. Games can be taken seriously, but don’t forget that the whole reason games were invented in the first place was for fun! Number one intention and reason for a game-fun! Therefore life should be fun. It is all in the way you look at it. Ok. I Know, looking for jobs is a big pain the ass, and making a resume, and all those hoops you have to jump through just to be recognized by people or considered for being part of the circle, the team, the in-crowd, part of anything really. It is a big mess sometimes. But it doesn’t have to be. The trick I think, is to just always be playing, making those tasks fun for yourself, it is something to do, something to put time into, a chance to use all our ridiculously extensive in this day and age access to tools we have. Our technological toys. They can often be more trouble than they are worth, but really they are designed to help us, designed to be awed and admired, and so let’s use them for good things. Shall we? Take computers and cell phones for instance. They are beyond convenient. You can do pretty much anything you need to do with either or both of these. They provide companionship, entertainment, information, links to our passions and abilities, get the job done quickly and somewhat painlessly. But on the flipside, they suck ass. Just if you want them to, I mean what is worse than losing an entire hand-typed thesis for your hard-earned degree? Or filling out an application for hours and hours and then the computer zaps and you are forced to start all over. This stuff makes us tear our hair out,; I have seen people d o it. But that is just because of what society teaches us matters, and what to value, and that stress is a natural reaction that you cannot escape. Whether we could or not, we still have this unpleasant tendency to erupt when things are seemingly not going our way, and usually it turns out not to be such a big deal. Sure, having your car towed from downtown San Francisco and then having to maneuver yourself to the towing place going back and forth several times based on the complete lack of accountability in the towing industry and their inability to communicate, and then having to come up with 400 dollars, sounds pretty shitty. Then you figure in awful weather, being robbed, being treated rudely, basically every factor of discomfort you might throw in there, and yeah, these situations suck. But they happen sometimes, and usually I think it is to test our endurance and maybe teach us just to laugh at ourselves. Because all of those things in that scenario are material-based and have nothing to do with loving ourselves and each other for who we are. We get angry because we lose money, our cars, our convenience, our good graces with our neighbors-in short we lose our comfort. Life does not have to be comfortable to be fun. It can, if that’s the way you want it, but know that the higher purveyors of Life and the Universe, reward those who like to get in messy situations and then laugh at how we ended up there. Brush our hands off and welcome the next mess. Life does not have to always be messy and everyone has a different idea of what is fun. It is my belief that anyone can more or less shape the world in a form enjoyable to them but should, in this process, either before the clay is given over fully to us, or maybe even during, expect some serious tests first. We may have to get rid of our fear of discomfort before we are rewarded with our very own clay to shape the way we please. Or our very own wondrously-lit stage that we can choose the guests, the actors, the plot, and theme of our daily lives. I have created some crazy, non-stop everything weird and fun and flowing from the characters to what was going on. But I have also crated major discomfort, major boredom and depression stemming from not taking control of life as My Game, My Play, My Clay. It can be fortuitous to surrender completely to fate and just respond to what comes our way, but you have to be set up for it and in the right frame of mind. If you are constantly worried about not having enough, not being and doing enough, then you probably are not enough because you are letting the game take ahold of you and letting everything be hard and stressful. Sure we have choices to make, and sometimes making these choices seem really hard, and dull, and annoying. They seem like everyone around us is deliberately making our lives hard, the system is awful and does not want the better good. Capitalism is making everyone a slave to money, and socialism is making everyone a slave to whoever is in control. And everyone is between just does not know what the hell is going on, or they are severely conditioned and anyone who tries will have an extremely hard time changing their minds. Their minds from being stuck in a victimized, this is the way life is, so we accept it, autonomous kind of very dreadful place. STAY AWAY from these people, if you can. If you are not like this, chances are you won’t really attract any and if you do, maybe they have a desire to be pulled out of this blood-sucking gutter. Maybe not though, so don’t waste too much time. The point about the systems though, are there are so many because there are so many different kinds of people, and we all just want what is best for ourselves and some want to help make things better for the majority. But you do not have to worry about that, or what they are doing, or what you can do to avoid being taken advantage of, or whatever the case might be. We ALL have complaints about the government and are probably never going to slove every problem out there with the approaches and knowledge we have going for us right now. There are just too many unsolvable problems. BUT. WAIT. HERE’S AN IDEA! Why don’t you all just control what you can control and worry about yourselves? Do what makes you happy, enjoy who you are, know that everything will be ok because you are doing all you can to make it so, and in the end nothing matters because games do not matter all that much. What should matter is that you played how you wanted to, you tried your hardest with the items given to you, and you contributed to the overall results. Your circumstances were different than everyone else’s, and so what you brought to the table changed things!! Everyone has power. The same amount of power, I don’t know. I guess so, because we all have the equal opportunity to make the best of our condition, our personality, our gifts, our downfalls, and so we have the chance to be great. Sure, some people may have a considerably less desirable set of cards than what we would want, but this is where non judgment is really important, because who is to say that the kid with down syndrome might not be chosen for that year’s Make A Wish Foundation and all of a sudden be granted a million dollars, or season box tickets to their favorite hockey team, or anything really cool like that! Also, nothing is ever good or bad, just different. Or, everything is good, and nothing is bad. But if you think something is bad, something you do not like, or makes you uncomfortable in any way, to any degree, then you can, should, and will change it. Otherwise, you are not looking at life in a way that will benefit you and everyone else around. You are choosing for life to be hard. It may seem hard, but it is only a test, and if you laugh, or get up and keep going at it, you just may pass. Life overall is not one giant test. I don’t believe so, I think it is meant to be fun. There may be many, many, many mini tests, but they are designed to keep you on your toes and allowing you to earn that gigantic, ripe, delicious cherry on top of an already pretty decent sundae. Another point I would like to bring up is non-attachment. This means that the less emotionally attached you are to the outcome of what you expect or desire, the less it matters what happens, and therefore the more likely you are to get what you want. I don’t know why this is, but it works and it is true. People by nature, operate in a way that they respond more kindly to not doing things out of obligation. We like to do things because we thought of it, we control it, it makes us happy to make other people happy. This is how most of us are anyway. Not all, but behavior also happens to be contagious and the more people who stop expecting so much out of others and set up negotiation-contract like relationships, the less we will see of this. Never expect anything from anyone. And never give or do something for someone while expecting something back. Do it because it makes you happy and feel good, because you like making them happy. If it doesn’t, then don’t do it. If they don’t appreciate it, and this does not make you happy, then don’t do it. But usually, if there is appreciation, then it should make you happy, no? Nature, by nature, operates in a way that the more unattached energy put out there, the more there is given back. The more money put out that you enjoyed spending, that was planted in good soil, that made you genuinely happy and not worried, the more you get back. But, you cannot expect this to be in a selfish manner. You can just accept this is the way it is on a reward, logical basis. If you do not worry, the money in your hands is not tainted with selfish poison, and you are not wanting more than your share, then you will benefit from unattached spending. The same goes for giving. The more you give, the more you shall receive. Because you want to help, you want to give to make things better, you are not hording more than you need, you want to care, and you want to get what you deserve from the game of life and the universe. In such a selfless attitude, you shall be greatly rewarded and taken care of. This rule applies to everything relevant. Time, money, energy, love. I think that covers the basics. Although I have stated life is a game, it is a very serious game. I said nothing matters in the end, because games do not matter in the end. We were all only playing to have fun, and maybe learn something in the process. If learning is a byproduct of fun, and self-improvement is a by-product of learning, then games can be really really important. Especially if what you take from this level can be brought with you to the next level, so you never have to start over, and you can just keep getting better and better, and have tons more fun. But what happens when you get to the highest level you can possibly hope to get to? And there is nowhere left to go, no more points to earn, nothing else to learn; you cannot possibly become any better? What happens then? This is a question I do not know the answer to. I doubt anyone, living, or evolving, really does. Maybe we can choose to start all over, maybe we can choose a character to come back as to appear in another person’s story-play, or maybe we just dissolve into nothing and it is like we never existed. Or maybe we become part of everything that exists and last forever, and our essence is always there lingering, adding our uniqueness, forever contributing our piece to the pie. Whichever of these things is the truth, or whether it is another unspoken truth, does it really matter? None of these things are bad, all of them actually seem pretty good, and wait. Good or bad do not exist! All just is. This does not devalue anything. Life, humans, miracles, nothing. Everything we know we have, is right now, and right now always seems pretty important. Because it is all we have. So let’s make it important, make it count, and start loving ourselves for our individuality, and know that teams would not work without each of our skills and talents. Or if you don’t have any, you can be admired for being honest about that. If you are honest about everything, you have nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, and life is fun once again. Fearlessly, we can charge ahead, knowing that if we get lost, it’s ok, it’s all part of the Great Adventure, the Great game, with the mini tests, that we have to pass, because we want to live. And live our best.

What to do when you don't know what to do..

Ok, now I know I'm not the only one who has ever pondered this, or fallen into this hole, either out there or in your mind, of what the hell do i do?? Usually it's a lifelong question. Like I don't know what to do with my life...insinuating that, yet again, someone has made us believe that we must follow a career path, or choose one thing and go for it with all of our might and gusto. And thus is the way, the only way, to success. Well, I was so frustrated with not knowing what to do the other day, that I googled it. Just typed that phrase in the search box, because I was curious to see what it would say. I found some good stuff and some lame stuff. Among the lame items were typical proactive, self-help lists of managing priorities and time and participating in enjoyable activities. All good, sound advice, but at the same time boring to me.  Yadda, yadda, no help, because what if you are interested in absolutely everything under the sun, and want to travel everywhere, and meet everyone you possibly can, and don't like to work or do anything boring? Because that's me in a nutshell. Welcome to my dilemma.